Indescribable

I am so speechless and disappointed... that no words can describe my feeling. I don't see all these things coming to me, on the last day itself; or maybe it was accumulated long back then - like a time bomb, it blasted now. When the manager came to me, all I could do is just smile. No explanations and justifications are needed, he will not listen anyway. Never had I feel so helpless - to the point that I could just smile.

Why would I do all these things ?! Who on Earth doesn't want to leave the company with good reputation and impression - like how they came in. Who on Earth doesn't want to keep good relationship with their former employers as they have showered her with hope and love.

I don't even know how to explain the situation and feelings in words. Some colleagues just wanna take advantage of my situation , telling me who to pinpoint and complain about in this situation to HR; but why shall I ? Those opinions are just favoring them so they don't need to prove themselves so hard. I have my own judgement.

But now, I am so lost that I don't even know why all these happened. I thought by doing my work, concentrating on the job and meeting deadlines will be more than sufficient but apparently, it is not that easy. Sometimes you get confused by mixed instructions - I was told this is correct but it is wrong the next day and redo again on the third day. I was shocked when my supervisor reported in the status meeting that the work is 40% near to completion but in my heart I knew well it is no where near. I just kept quiet, thinking that maybe he has some plans behind. Yeah indeed, when the next status meeting is up and the manager found out that we are way behind, the next thing I knew is the blame is already on me. Oh well, perhaps I should report my own status next time without having to listen to others, regardless of my position. Hey, it's my work after all ! I don't need to conform or complied to your percentage !

Someone analysed to me. It's only by now I understand the meaning of pending review and pending completion. Pending completion is from my side and pending review is obviously on the other party. She said, if I continue to remain silent, it will be seen as though I didn't do my work but most of the time, it's pending review. Hence I often have lots of free time and people will perceive as "not focus". But I really have nothing to do ! She asked me to speak up before I leave.

I didn't want. I will only speak up when I think people will listen to me. Furthermore, he has already established the full trust on him; why shall I ruin it. The trust was not formed easily. I can be the most disgusting culprit and I really hope the success of the project. I hoped the team will be really functioning. In life, you have to be really stupid or really smart. If you're really stupid, you wouldn't know all these things going on and save you from heartache. If you are really smart, you will not be stuck in this situation at all. If you are in between, you always want to save the situation but obviously fail.

I am so disappointed...in my first job itself ; on the weird situations and the by-standers who apparently wanted to "help"me but I definitely know their intentions. Please stop telling me what I need to do and should do you people ! Leave me alone ! And now I have to patch my soul hoping that it's not going to be the same everywhere...

I do miss my NL colleagues..very much..for their positivism and their openness in accepting my decision. They wish me all the best sincerely and genuinely, very much different from here. I promised not to disappoint them and I wanna let down those who look down on me. I knew I am different - I just need some time to prove myself.

I hoped after today, I will not be haunted by my past job experience.